The other side of down

I guess reacquainting with your spirit and finding my passion comes from being a mum at 19 and watching my friends head off on their big OE's, learning about their lives and searching the world...whilst I was at home struggling with a tiny (but adorable) baby.  

I struggled with the normality of the responsibility, but also I struggled emotionally, I was only young myself and I now had a vulnerable little human to look after.

It was a mammoth journey and at times extremely tough.  I ended up in Princess Margaret Hospital in the 'Mothers and Babies' unit for Post Natal depression.  I was admitted for 2 months of 'care'....but looking back it was just 2 months of confinement and medicating. It was a dark place....although, in hindsight this was just one of the many hurdles I would face over the following 20 years that have made me the person I am today.  The black dog is still part of my life and its just something I learn to manage.

It was through the tough times that I thought about what I wanted to do when I was on the 'other side' of 'down'.  There were days I would sit on the couch and watch my Liam fast asleep in my arms.  There would be dirty nappies strewn across the floor, breakfast, tissues and dirty clothes everywhere.  I was a hot mess! I would cry because I was not the tupperware perfect mother with the perfect family and clean carpet.  Instead I was the young single mother with 'second hand' everything.  I had draughty windows and fish fingers (shudders) in the freezer.  I couldn't bring myself to tidy the house or tend to the piles of washing so it just accumulated.  I was lucky if I even brushed my hair!! I stayed at home for 3 months with my boy but needed to get a job to pick myself up.  Judgement was bitter and apparent, how could I leave my son at a childcare facility when he was so young? Surely that will affect his development, his immunity? I think I actually said to people that it was better than the other option. The alternative would be to have a mum that just cries all day and gets excited when the mail arrives (true story!)

The older Liam got the more I managed the juggle between being a mum and a young woman.  I juggled the housework and a full time job.  I found my own way of living.  I  discovered that hiding the dishes in the oven when visitors came over was better for my stress levels than A) leaving the dishes on the bench, or B) frantically cleaning up.  That we could save money by having hot water bottle evenings twice a week in winter, and that curtains over doorways were so good for draughts (and still are!).

In the tough times I would often day dream about what it would feel like to be 'grown up' and being able to travel.  I would always tell myself that "when Liam was 18 I would be 38...when Liam was 18 I would be 38", it was almost a mantra and I would repeat it to myself often.  It would mean that I was still young enough to experience life and that I hadn't missed out....it would just happen a little later for me.

If I hadn't had the crap times that tested my spirit I wouldn't have learnt that I wanted to live the life that I have now.  A life with purpose and intention.  A life that I could only imagine because I had some pretty shitty times.  The black dog does bite my ankles at times and I am confronted by fear and doubt, but I have to keep telling myself....You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind. ~Dale Carnegie

In a way I am grateful for these experiences as there is always a life lesson somewhere hidden in them.  Sometimes it just takes a while to see what they really are.